New year, same me ... bringing in 2025

 

Hello again. We are 10 days into 2025. That’s a crazy thing to realize. Twenty Twenty-Five … insane. The last 2 years have been a whirlwind. There have been a lot of changes - some good, some not so good. I’ve learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of and my strength but also the things that have completely broken me. They have made me stronger, but I also have been completely shattered in the last year. I feel like my heart is superglued and duct taped back together just to function. It’s not a very comfortable feeling.

I have hit a wall with my progress the last few months which is beyond frustrating but I know it’s just part of the journey. I haven’t been as strict with my diet and a lot of things have happened which is caused me to derail a little bit. I lost my dog of 12.5yrs in September, I’ve gotten sick several times since then which caused me to not be able to be as consistent in the gym. Which sucks because I love working out but I haven’t fully been able to get back in my rhythm. I’m hoping by next week I’ll be feeling back to at least 90% so I can get back into my routine of 4-5 days a week in the gym. I desperately need to see progress happening again, I know it goes in waves where you see it and then you don’t, and that progress still happens one day at a time, but I’m just really having a rough go of things with it right now. I know it will pass. It’s just a tough phase I’m in right now.

I adopted a puppy about a month after I lost Milo. Vinnie definitely healed a part of my heart there. He’s almost 8 months old and has so much crackhead energy it’s wild. It’s definitely been a learning experience for both of us. I’ve never had a bigger dog as an adult going through the puppy phase. He’s growing every day and is a sweet, smart, happy boy. I couldn’t love him any more, even if he is an adorable psychopath.

There have been a lot of ups and downs this last year, but despite that, 2024 ended on a high note. I went to NY to surprise my family for Christmas, when I got back into town, Amanda came in. She was here for her birthday and New Years and she is actually leaving today. So it’s at least started with some of the people I love the most. Here’s hoping the rest of the year continues on a positive trajectory, because I literally will not survive another year like 2024. So cheers to that.

 
 

Christmas 2024 in New York

 

Rounding out the year with 4 of my bests

Vinnie, January 2025

 

just some thoughts

It’s been a little while. The last 6 months have been really hard. This whole year has been really hard. I’ve been trying to just stay focused on work and the gym. 1 week ago today I lost my dog, Milo. This whole week has been very difficult and I’m trying not to beat myself up over the fact that I’ve been off on my gym routine. I’m very much a routine person. I normally am at the gym 4-5 days a week, Monday-Thursday after work and then usually Saturday or Sunday. I ended up taking this week because of Milo - really having a hard time and I’ve been trying to distract my brain a bit while I process losing him. In turn, it threw off my routine. I’ve only been at the gym twice this week, Tuesday and Friday. I had planned to go this morning (Saturday) but I think I’m going to just call this week what it is and then go tomorrow and restart my routine. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed. This is the first time in almost 2 years I’ve been this off. I’m trying to take a moment to look back at how far I’ve come and that one off week, as long as I get back on track, which I will, isn’t going to derail 2 years of hard work.

 

It’s so easy to feel like if I fuck up one thing, I’m going to gain all the weight back. I know that’s now how it works and that won’t happen but it’s a default of where my brain goes. I know that I’m not alone in this. I feel like that’s a common fear of anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight. I’ve lost over half of my starting weight, I’m officially down 247lbs so far. Which is insane. I’m proud of that but it’s so hard not to feel like that still is not enough. I’m not at my goal number yet but I’m hell of a lot closer than I was when I started. I’ve been reorganizing things in my house and room and I came across a picture in the same spot from about 3 years ago. Really seeing things helps put things into perspective for me. I’m not the same person I was. Change is hard and it’s uncomfortable. That part is inevitable. I’m just in a place I think where I’m kind of in a limbo and I feel like I don’t really know who I am anymore. It’s very hard to explain, I’m not who I was and I’m not who I will be. It’s just really, really hard right now. But I’m still doing the work. That’s all I can do.

The super fun mental stuff

One thing I was not prepared for with this journey (I still hate that phrasing) was the mental mind fuck that comes with it. There are so many different pieces with it. The scale is one all it’s own. A lot of times it won’t move but you see differences in your body or how your clothes fit but the number doesn’t budge and it’s extremely frustrating. That takes a toll mentally right off the rip. But then comes the things that you don’t realize. This whole process changes everything in your life; how you look at things, how you think about things, every decision and choice you make. A big piece of that that I’m unfortunately learning now is how all those choices and decisions impact the people that are close to you. For me, if I go out to dinner or something with friends, I find myself stressing out about food choices or blowing my daily calorie goal. I didn’t realize that verbalizing some of these things or openly beating myself up over it negatively impacted the people around me. I’ve unintentionally made some of my friends feel bad or guilty for putting me in a position where I’m stressing myself out of choices I have to make and then they feel bad or they feel responsible for putting me in that position by inviting me to something that will have temptations. I didn’t realize this was happening and it’s caused strain on several of my closest friendships. The last 20 months have been extremely challenging, but 2024 in particular, not a fan. 0/10 recommend. I’m really trying to get my brain right.

 
 
 

However, really the only thing that has kept me from completely going off the deep end is consistency. It’s the one thing that hasn’t changed in my life and it’s the one thing I have any control over. Staying in my routine, tracking my calories, going to the gym; that’s all I can control these days. Consistency is the most important part in all of this. Just stay the course. If you need the reminder, just keep going. Progress over perfection. Things aren’t always going to be 100% on point. You’re supposed to live life through this process too. One off day isn’t going to derail all the work you put in every day. Get right back on it the next day. Don’t fly off the rails for a week because you went over on your calorie goal for one day. Just get back in your routine and things will even back out. I know that’s hard to do in the moment sometimes because the mind can be a very dark and scary place. I am trying to remind myself of this. But if someone else needs to hear it, just stay the course. If you have a fun night, have a fun night. Get back on your routine tomorrow. It will be ok.

This is a long road, there is always going to be temptation or choices we have to make every single day. I will say, with my journey and tracking and being mindful of what I’m eating or drinking, it’s made it easier to make better choices typically. But it’s not always going to be perfect. I like the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time, be on point with your food and diet and 20% gives you some flexibility for less healthy choices/fun foods. And if you know you have something coming up on the weekend or something, you can plan for that. Do a little more cardio during the week or get a little tighter with your diet/calories throughout the week to give a little more balance for the fun stuff. I’m trying to get better at this, no one and nothing is perfect.

I took a moment today and looked back and compared to where I was last year vs this year. This time last year I was down 116lbs. I’ve doubled down since that time last year. That is a positive I can sit with for now.

Just start. Stick with it. Stay consistent. Change takes time but eventually you will see it.

Life update ...

Hellooooo. It’s been a while. Started strong then fell off again haha typical of me. A major update so far, on Easter, I finally hit my next major goal of hitting the 200lbs down mark. I’m currently down about 215lbs. It’s such a wild feeling. I never imagined that was even in the realm of possibility of ever happening. I have about another 100lbs to go to get down to my goal weight. I’ve shifted my focus a bit for the next goal of skin removal surgery. I’ve had several conversations and discussed with the surgeon’s office that I’m planning on working with. I have about another 30 more pounds to go to get to where I can do this. Once I hit that, then I’ll actually schedule the consult. It’s been a bit frustrating because of course, now I’ve hit another slow down when it comes to the scale. I know it will start moving again, but the stall right now is definitely irritating. But I’m just going to keep trucking along and doing what I need to do. To be honest, the loose skin wasn't something I really thought about that much before or when I started because I really didn't even think I’d be able to get to this point. It’s going to be A LOT and the recovery is really going to suck, but it’s going to be necessary to accomplish what I want to. No matter how much weight I lose, I’m not going to look the way I want to look without this. It’s scary and it’s overwhelming but it’s needed. The mental piece that comes with this whole process has been a lot and the last few months, this whole year really, has been really, really hard. I don’t really know if there is any way to actually prepare yourself for this, but I was definitely not prepared. I feel like I’ve completely lost sight of who I am. I’m not who I used to be and I’m not who I’m going to be. The in-between is hard, I feel like I’ve been in limbo. The last couple weeks, I feel like I’ve finally been able to start to pull myself out of this mental shitstorm I’ve been stuck in. Not just from this process, but also life in general. Things have been pretty rough but I’m starting to feel a little bit better emotionally, finally. I’m just focusing on one day at a time right now. That’s all you can really do, you know? I know I can’t control anything except the actions and decisions I make every day. It’s not easy sometimes, but that’s the only thing I can do. Until next time.

May 2024

Taking a moment to reflect

I can always count on all the million pictures I always take and keep to surprise me when I look back. A picture from 2 years ago popped up yesterday and it was such a stark contrast to where I am now. I struggle to see how far I’ve come sometimes until I take a minute to look back and reflect. This was before I even considered starting this last attempt to try to lose the weight. The most important thing with this entire process is just to start and not stop. You have to keep going. I don’t even recognize that person anymore, yet I still see that person when I look in the mirror. It’s such a weird mind space to be in and I don’t think that I will ever not see her. I still have a way to go, and I’ll get there. I just have to remember to stop every once in a while. I’m always glad when I do.

1 year, 4 months, 8 days

It’s been (1 week since you looked at me … millennial song lyrics are permanently engrained in my brain forever), 1 year, 4 months, and 8 days since i started this thing. i’m a few pounds away from my next major milestone and it’s a pretty big one. of course, because of that, the scale is taking it’s sweet time right now. super frustrating, but i know it will catch up. it’s a super surreal feeling with the number that i’m about to hit. it doesn’t seem real.