It’s been a little while. The last 6 months have been really hard. This whole year has been really hard. I’ve been trying to just stay focused on work and the gym. 1 week ago today I lost my dog, Milo. This whole week has been very difficult and I’m trying not to beat myself up over the fact that I’ve been off on my gym routine. I’m very much a routine person. I normally am at the gym 4-5 days a week, Monday-Thursday after work and then usually Saturday or Sunday. I ended up taking this week because of Milo - really having a hard time and I’ve been trying to distract my brain a bit while I process losing him. In turn, it threw off my routine. I’ve only been at the gym twice this week, Tuesday and Friday. I had planned to go this morning (Saturday) but I think I’m going to just call this week what it is and then go tomorrow and restart my routine. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed. This is the first time in almost 2 years I’ve been this off. I’m trying to take a moment to look back at how far I’ve come and that one off week, as long as I get back on track, which I will, isn’t going to derail 2 years of hard work.
It’s so easy to feel like if I fuck up one thing, I’m going to gain all the weight back. I know that’s now how it works and that won’t happen but it’s a default of where my brain goes. I know that I’m not alone in this. I feel like that’s a common fear of anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight. I’ve lost over half of my starting weight, I’m officially down 247lbs so far. Which is insane. I’m proud of that but it’s so hard not to feel like that still is not enough. I’m not at my goal number yet but I’m hell of a lot closer than I was when I started. I’ve been reorganizing things in my house and room and I came across a picture in the same spot from about 3 years ago. Really seeing things helps put things into perspective for me. I’m not the same person I was. Change is hard and it’s uncomfortable. That part is inevitable. I’m just in a place I think where I’m kind of in a limbo and I feel like I don’t really know who I am anymore. It’s very hard to explain, I’m not who I was and I’m not who I will be. It’s just really, really hard right now. But I’m still doing the work. That’s all I can do.